Professional Correspondence

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department
From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department
Subject: INCORRECT PAYROLL CHECKS

Hello! Because I am passionate about my job, I have been reviewing various errors in the computer files. It is an important point to note that most of these errors were made by your desk clerks. I do not feel that it is fair that my workers are being blamed. Because of your workers incorrect procedure and performance, time tickets are proving to be wrong. Following proper procedures is very important in companies these days. They can allow the company to witness massive success. I'm aware that you would like for my workers to redo the work that your employees performed incorrectly. Honestly, we do not have the time to do this. In addition, our company does not have the funds needed to hire additional help. I recommend that you tell your clerks to review their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.

When e-mailing people, it is very important to be direct and straight to the point; especially when dealing with problems such as incorrect procedures in a job. I made a few changes to the original e-mail. The first change I made was that I started out by simply saying "Hello". It is the proper and polite gesture to make. The second change I made was that I explained how passionate I was about my job. It's important to show the individual that you are all about your business and that you care. Next, I arranged the words in a different order so that it came across more friendly. I tried to stress the importance of proper procedures and the success that it could bring to the company. Last, I stated why hiring additional help was not a good idea. This is also a good point. Hiring  additional help will cause the company to suffer a major loss. I feel that these revisions will prove to be more effective in persuading T. Leoni to get his workers on the right track. My goal in this revision was to set a friendlier tone and provide statements for why proper procedures needed to be followed.